giving myself a win

i just want to take another step of being radically transparent & honest because, tbh, that's what makes me feel the best.

so.

it’s been a while, huh? guess why? bc of anxiety, punkassness, low adaptability, scaredness, uncomfy conversations, and needing to express more honesty in my personal life irl with my people. and that shit scared tF outta me! i mean, it’s fine to send a cool lil tweet, or even a blog about how i got through everything “in 3 easy steps” headassery. it got so damn hard yall. money got low, again. my body just straight up did not fuck with me. neither did my mind…or does my mind, idk. i’m struggling even in this moment to cope with this new life.

my first thought, “i’m not about to sit here and complain about relatively small hardships when the literal world is on fire. so much is going on!!” followed by my second thought, “nah, fuck that! this shit sucks, even though i super recognize how blessed i am to only have small hardships.”

see? it’s an ongoing internal battle just about 25/8. it’s exhausting. continually. but when i do find energy that doesn’t make me question if i’ll be awkward around peeps, i instantly begin worrying about how long the energy will last and am i using it wisely??? i’ve been trying to cope with this rollercoaster with oui’d, batch content creation, stretching(ouch), ganja, stress relief tea & journaling. it’s been a battle, but i’m so thankful to say i’m winning! i guess…that’s what i’m not used to doing and standing in…my wins. i used to- occasionally still do- completely cry whenever complimented. because wow..someone thinks this much of me to tell me? how kind. but then i remember that people try to use my kindness against me and the fact that i am, indeed, the shit!

lmao, my mind is whirling, but i feel ok…just being able to share this and get it out, it’s my own personal win. OH! that’s another way i’ve been thinking about my tasks, as wins instead. i wake up & write down what wins i’d like to have today before i do things that i have to do. so far they’ve been quick content, taking a walk, cooking breakfast and stretching. it helps me prioritize and gives me an energy boost to get through tasks i don’t necessarily want to do, like cleaning. speaking of, let me publish this win & get to folding laundry.

*smooches*